IT IS ALWAYS SOMETHING, BUT DOES IT HAVE TO BE?

“It’s Always Something” –
a sigh of hopelessness, resignation, regret, dismay, disillusionment, disappointment


Despite how true this statement is, I have always hated it because of its negativity and simple manner of just passing off whatever is going on or has happened. This is often what someone says to you when they have no idea what to say because unfortunately whatever you are or have experienced is generally just a part of life.

Granted, life is not perfect, and stuff happens. Stuff that although may be a part of life, and simply out of our control, is none-the-less upsetting and can throw your life into a tailspin for awhile.

And the way I see it, if it upsets you it warrants a response other than apathy. The response “It’s Always Something” I feel is meant to be consoling of some sorts, but in reality shows no sense of empathy, it’s dismissing the situation because basically we’ve all gone through it at some point in our lives, so why make a big deal of it, which is sad.

When did we all get so jaded and apathetic about the dilemmas we all face on any given day of the week?

Of course, I’m not referring to major health issues, the loss of a loved one, and a catastrophic or tragic event, those are not “every day” type of challenges, and generally not something we have all experienced.

I mean things like an unexpected house or car repair, damage to a car due to an accident which creates extra BS until every detail is resolved, issues with a credit card due to a lost check, appliances breaking down forcing you to buy a new one, etc..

The list is endless, because the messiness of life is endless, and the bigger the world gets, and the more complicated our daily lives get, the more complicated the “It’s Always Something” stuff can get.

What’s even more upsetting then complete apathy regarding this type of thing, is apathy related to serious events, which is starting to happen.

For example, while watching a news report about a car jacking with a 2-year-old autistic child still in the car, a witness interviewed responded “It is what it is. It’s the times we’re living in.”

“It is what it is” –
Deal with it. An expression used to characterize a frustrating or challenging situation that a person believes cannot be changed and must just be accepted.

When I heard this response I almost cried. The mother whose child was in the car most certainly was not feeling that way. She wanted empathy for the plight she was enduring while the search for her child was going on.

I do understand that some days the weight of the world we live in, especially since the pandemic, can feel overwhelming and make you feel like shutting everyone and every thing out. BUT, the only way things can get better is by having empathy for each other, no matter what the situation.

In my little corner of the world, from July to early September I was dealing with extended car repairs post a car accident, and some days it felt like an endless saga.

BUT, it was nothing compared to what some of my co-workers have been enduring, and I reminded myself of this every day I got frustrated or stressed about things. The empathy for them kept me in check with my own issues.

AND, made me realize despite the issues I was dealing with, I am blessed. My situation would be solved, and settled, and not be life changing, it would just cause temporary disruption in my daily schedule.

Granted, not everyone thinks this way. And most certainly some days those “It’s Always Something” things can be all consuming, to the point that it’s hard to think about anything or anyone beyond your personal issue. BUT, if we pause, take a deep breath, and remind ourselves there are others going through far greater issues, maybe, just maybe, we can circle back to a less apathetic “it’s always something” state of mind.

Changing your state-of-mind in relation to anything that is not a positive is certainly not an easy thing, but it’s noted that by changing our words, we can change our thoughts and in turn change the vibration we send out in the world.

This is exactly why I started my year out trying hard to stay in the “Hippie State of Mind” – peace, love, harmony and hope. Not that I was putting blinders on to the world around me, or ignoring issues within my own life.

It was about changing how I approached these things, and trying to find the good things in every day and emphasizing those instead of the negative.

I was doing pretty good until we got into preparing for my Son’s college graduation, graduation, moving him home, preparing the house for his celebration, decorating for the celebration, the celebration, clean up post the celebration AND dealing with the aftermath of a car accident which my Son was in the week after the celebration.

Thank God he wasn’t hurt, it was just the car, which is the key positive in the entire incident.

In addition, things were ramping up at work, which meant periods of overtime, which is great for my pocket book, but limiting when it comes to time at home.

To say I fell off my “Hippie State of Mind” therapy is an understatement.

BUT, I was aware I was letting things get to me, and knew I was the only who could change that. Plus, there were friends going through some very heavy and serious things, which as I noted earlier having empathy for their plights help to keep me in check with my stuff.

Now I do understand the state of the world, particularly since the pandemic, has dragged a lot of people into a more pessimistic state, which in itself is very sad. BUT, it has also created a world filled with more rude, inconsiderate and apathetic people, which I’ve found to be extremely visible while driving and shopping. At times it feels like everyone is out for themselves and no one else, so get out of their way.

This negative energy makes it extremely hard to stay positive, and most certainly can trigger an “It’s always something” or “it is what is” lack of empathy type of attitude, which just adds to the negative vibration.

AND, I must note, being negative is much easier than being positive. Positivity is a choice, a very conscious choice that has to be worked at.

BUT, after allowing myself to fall off the “Hippie State of Mind” train, just because I got very, very busy, I have made a pact with myself to work hard to get back on that train.

AND, in order to do this, I will work on CHANGING THE WORDS I USE, especially when confronted with those every day “It’s Always Something” or “It Is What It Is” type of things.

Now I know this won’t be an easy thing because those phrases are engrained in my brain, so until I can formulate my own positive twist on these phrases, I’ve decided to borrow someone else’s positive words.

Below are a few I found I thought I’d give a try:

“The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.”Dolly Parton

“Every day may not be good… but there’s something good in every day.” Alice Morse Earle

It is what it is, it is what you make it.” – James Durbin

“Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see a shadow.” – Helen Keller

 “Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all.” – Helen Keller

“Remember, rainbows have never been attracted to cloudless days. They only follow the storms.”―
Richelle E. Goodrich

“Happiness is not the absence of problems; it’s the ability to deal with them.” ― Steve Maraboli

“Expect obstacles and face them head-on. They are going to come up, so the way you handle them is what makes all the difference.” – Lance Dale, A Shot of Positivity: Overcoming Obstacles

AND

“Smiling is a wonderful way to get a boost of happiness. The next time life presents you with a challenging situation, take a deep breath and smile.” – Morris Pratt, The Secret of Positive Thinking

SO, it you feel like me, maybe you can join me in my adventure to change my words to change my world, and help shift the worldly vibration to one of positivity, which is so needed now more than ever.

© Mariann E. Danko and Waking the Woman, 2022. All rights reserved.

Goddess Masthead © Pamela Danko-Stout and Waking the Woman, 2022. All rights reserved.

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EMPTY NEST BLACK HOLE

The reality of the possibility of a very empty nest is quickly sinking in since my Son went back to school for the Spring Semester of his Senior year.

Granted, my Son doesn’t have a job lined up post graduation, or any prospects that I know of, just yet, but considering his major is video game design, I’m well aware that jobs in that field don’t exist in the area we live. So sticking around home post graduation for an extended period of time doesn’t seem like a possibility.

In addition, his girlfriend and he are getting pretty serious and she may be going to law school post graduation, which means he may very well consider employment near wherever she lands.

I’ve been working on adjusting to my Son getting serious about a girl after not really dating through high school and the first three years of college. As a single mom with only one child, to say this takes some getting use to is an understatement. Don’t get me wrong, I’m thrilled for my Son. It’s wonderful to see how happy he is with her. Plus, she’s not only a sweetheart of a girl, she’s also very ambitious and driven, which has been a positive influence on my Son.

BUT, having both the prospect of my Son really moving away from home, and a serious relationship running parallel is a lot for me digest at once, especially because the relationship itself is still very much new, having just gotten serious in August. The two have been friends since Freshman year, never revealing feelings for each other until the start of this school year, so to say it came out of nowhere is an understatement.

I knew the day would come, but I figured I would have a bit more warning. 

With that said, we are here now, and with each passing day, I find myself bouncing between I’m good, to I’m feeling lonely and maybe I should get a dog. I honestly never thought I’d feel lonely, especially because between working full time, working on establishing my chalk art business, creating new chalk art, writing this blog, and all that goes into owning a home and daily chores, I have plenty to keep me busy and take my mind off the empty house.

BUT, some days it just feels extremely empty.

The irony is I’m actually quite content being by myself, and am basically more of an introvert than extrovert, and although the first semester of my Son’s Freshman year challenged me, as I expected, I actually began to get comfortable with everything. So why I’m going in and out of a funk now is a bit confusing for me.

I’m sure a lot of this ties to the fact that it’s Winter so I’m not out socializing with neighbors like I do during warmer weather. PLUS, because of the pandemic, my Son was home with me taking classes remotely from March of 2020 to August of 2021 when he started his Senior year. AND, during the Fall semester he and his girlfriend visited at least 3 times, and then he was home on Winter break from Thanksgiving till January 23rd, and during that time his girlfriend spent 3 weeks with us, so I had more company than I’m use to and loved it.

Needless to say I got very comfortable with having my Son home and really enjoyed when his girlfriend was there too. It was nice to have company for dinner every night and even hangout and watch TV with them sometimes.

The bottom line, it gave me purpose, I felt needed. The older my Son gets the less he needs me, and with a girlfriend to discuss problems with, I’m certainly not the first one he contacts any more. Which once again is a good thing, but to have it happen sort of all of a sudden, out of nowhere, is harder to adjust to than anticipated. 

Now of course, having a child need you less as they get older is a natural progression, but because of how things have been since COVID my presence in my Son’s life was a bit more prominent for a bit longer, which is most certainly why I’m feeling this transition even more. Had my Son’s college years been “normal” I may not be feeling the emptiness as much. The transition would have been more gradual and I could have worked through these emotions each year leading up to graduation.

BUT, that’s not the case at all. The growth that started was stalled, and put on hold, sort off. Now however, I’m being thrown in the deep end so to speak, and trying keep my head above water.

With Spring and warmer weather not far off, I’m hopeful this will help shake that funky lonely feeling looming in my soul sometimes. Most of the time I’m pretty good, but every once in awhile, the emptiness of the house just really hits me regardless of how busy I keep myself. I know I’ll get past this, but until then I need to honor my emotions for what they are, growing pains.  

Just as my Son is spreading his wings and learning to fly solo, I too need to learn to be more than my Son’s Mom. I need to rediscover me. Rediscover the woman I was before becoming a Mom. Which ironically is why I started to write this blog when he went off to college. And although I have had some growth, I’m now realizing I still have a way to go yet.

Discovering the chalk art has been wonderful for my creative growth, which in turn helps my soul growth, but that’s only part of  “growth beyond parenting.” There’s certainly more growing than I ever considered when I stepped into this adventure I endearingly called “Waking the Woman”

Change is never an easy thing, but it is necessary for any real growth, and I’m guessing based on the loneliness I’m feeling at times I’ve been avoiding some aspects of me that need to change in order to get over this hurdle. What, I’m not sure of though.

As I have noted in past posts, I’m very good at filling my days with tasks. Some fun, some just every day stuff. Basing my personal fulfillment on how much I’ve accomplished. While this certainly helps me cover a lot of ground in a day, which was critical during my heavy-duty single parenting days, I’m now realizing, this behavior is enabling me, allowing me to avoid dealing with what’s going on inside or even keeping me from allowing myself time to “play.”

Not any more though, although the busyness does help most of the time, it doesn’t seem to be working that well any more, if it did I wouldn’t be writing this post. 

SO, is the universe trying to tell me it’s not just about the very empty nest?

Could it also be about getting older and all that goes with aging, especially after the health issues I faced in 2021?

OR, could it be about learning how to lighten my to do list so I have more time to “play?”

OR, could it be I may not want to head into my Senior years alone?

OR, is it all of the above backing me into a corner now that I don’t have the serious distraction of parenting dominating my time?

I’m guessing it’s most definitely all of the above, which makes my journey of rediscovery even more interesting. Not sure I’m ready for that much discovery just yet, but I don’t think I have any say in this journey any more – the universe is in control.

© Mariann E. Danko and Waking the Woman, 2022. All rights reserved.

Goddess Masthead © Pamela Danko-Stout and Waking the Woman, 2022. All rights reserved.

Empty Nest artwork courtesy of the CHALK Charmer ©2021

https://www.facebook.com/TheCHALKCharmer/

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Change Ineffective Behavior

It is hard to believe my Son’s first semester of college is now behind me. Those first couple weeks my heart ached. I missed him immensely.

As a single Mom with only one child, when that child heads off to college, your empty-nest becomes salt in the wound of being alone.

I reminisced longingly at all of the highlights of his Senior year. And for that matter all of high school.

With time though I settled into my new norm and even embraced the opportunity to re-discover the me that got lost while raising my Son.

rediscover

Don’t get me wrong, I looked forward to every visit home he made, and was thrilled when we started to have weekly phone conversations. Something I certainly didn’t expect from a teenage boy.

So, I could hardly wait for Winter Break. He would be home for five weeks. And with how wonderful all his other breaks went, I thought for sure him and I were heading into a whole new dynamic between parent and child.

I was however in for a rude awakening, and a reminder that change does not come quickly or easily.

Continue reading “Change Ineffective Behavior”