Actions Speak Louder Than Words

May has been a month filled with a flurry of activity all revolving around the culmination of my Son’s four years at college.

First there was all the ever-changing pre-graduation planning and last minute decisions on my part to create decorations for a mini-family celebration at my Son and his girlfriend’s apartment post the ceremony and lunch.

Then, on May 15th was the actual commencement, which in itself was a day, filled with adventure and ever shifting plans. Not only did the ceremony start at least 30 minutes late, it also ran more than an hour longer than anticipated followed by a massive bottleneck getting out of the parking garage by the arena. 

This of course meant all of our post-graduation plans needed to be rearranged because we were all too hungry to take pictures on campus before lunch, as was the original plan. As my Son said, “ We were all HANGRY.”

So, by the time we all had lunch and got back to campus it was after 5 PM. And, till we got the pictures on campus done it was at least 6:30, so our little celebration at the apartment got cut back to a quick cup of coffee and piece of cake for the road because we all had to drive back home, some with a 3 hour drive.

Good thing we took pictures of my Son and his girlfriend in the apartment by the decorations before the ceremony because by the time we got back to the apartment later in the day, they just wanted get into comfy clothes and veg out.

Despite it all, it was a great day, and we all just rolled with things as they unraveled, which is a good sign for the future.

Bottom line, it brought me great joy to see my Son earn his bachelor’s degree in Game Development and Simulation, a field he’s extremely enthusiastic about, and excited to explore all it’s possibility. Which is another plus, because if he wasn’t excited, all those years in college would be for not.

From there we all had a week to re-group before the big move home.

And when I say big move I’m not under-estimating. We filled 3 vehicles to the brim, and spent at least six hours sorting, packing, loading, cleaning and unloading before it was all said and done. And that doesn’t include the two hours of driving to and from campus.

Thank God my sister and her husband helped, otherwise my Son and I would have been at it well into the wee hours of the night.

NOW though, it’s back to sorting through it all and figuring out what gets stored for when my Son eventually moves out on his own, and what stuff is mine, which I loaned to him to use in his apartment for the school year.

Trust me, this is a major project because it’s not just sorting and repacking, it’s also figuring out where the heck to store it in my house. Good thing I’ve been giving it some thought, and have had a plan percolating for a couple weeks. Plus have the long Memorial Day Weekend to do it in.

Stuff brought home

Once this task is done, we’ll both be able to truly recharge our batteries and take some time to linger in the joy of my Son’s accomplishment. Taking this time to recharge is critical to clear all the stress and anxiety about the future which has built up over the past month or so, which in turn clears the way to truly re-evaluate where things stand as far as my Son’s future.

Organized, repacked and in storage

My Son’s commencement on May 15th set the stage for the start of a new phase of his life, that of being a “grown up” post college graduation. AND, how we both approach this new phase will be critical in determining his success, which is why time to recharge and re-evaluate is a must for both of us.

I need to accept the fact that my Son will need some guidance, but it’s not my place to tell him what to do. As a young adult, he needs to chart his own path unencumbered by how I think he should do things. I can make a suggestion, but ultimately I have to allow him his space so he can learn to be confident in his own decision-making.

For most of his college years I have been working on stepping back and generally only making suggestions if he asked. Sometimes stepping in when an older adult figure was needed, but even then it was generally because he requested it.

As far as my Son’s future plans, we have had some discussions, and to be honest I’ve been pleasantly surprised by what he’s thinking. He has a basic outline set for his future, with a lot of wiggle room of course to allow for any uncertainties that could arise, which is very wise for him to consider.

In addition, since he’s home he is following through with the basic plans he set for himself, which is wonderful. I can continue to work on my stepping back, only needing to inquire how things are going, and encouraging him as he plugs away at charting his future in the “adult world.”

I knew he wanted to just chill for a bit when he got home, so to see him stepping right into working on revamping his resume and checking into not only employment in his field, but temporary employment that pays more than the P/T job he during school is very encouraging.

And speaks volumes as to how successful his future endeavors will be.

He’s even jumped right in to finally dismantling and bagging up the massive Lego world he created in middle school. This world, made up of many sets and original creations covered two 6’ tables with extensions under the tables and two smaller tables. To say it took over a large section of the basement is no lie.

What’s left to pack up. Multiply this by at least 3 and that’s the full world.

Now, packing up the Lego world was a pre-requisite in order for us to have a graduation celebration at home, which is what he wanted instead of at a park or restaurant. SO, I get that his actions are motivated by that, but I see them even more so as a symbol of him ready to truly “grow up” and step boldly into the world of being an adult.

Since he built that world, with every milestone along the way, heading to high school, high school graduation, and starting college, I have asked him about dismantling and bagging sets. Before he started college, he did take down a small section of it, but ultimately left the bulk of it out, which has just been collecting dust all through college.

This world was his refuge during tough times in middle school and high school, so I get that he wanted to hang on to it, but now that he has conquered the toughest part of his climb to adulthood, graduating from college, I do believe he is finally in the right mindset to once and for all let go of that world, which is huge.

One of the many phases of my Son’s Lego world

In doing so, as his Mother, I can find a sense of comfort in knowing that my little boy is definitely not a little boy any more, but a young man on the precipice of great things. Great things I know he’ll achieve because he is ready and willing to step boldly into the future of his dreams.

The question is, am I ready?

© Mariann E. Danko and Waking the Woman, 2022. All rights reserved.

Goddess Masthead © Pamela Danko-Stout and Waking the Woman, 2022. All rights reserved.

#wakingthewoman
#mommemoir
#classof2022
#collegegraduate
#uncertainty
#lettinggo
#dreamjob
#growingup
#becominganadult

Uncertainty & Fear of the Unknown

Every day is filled with a lot of the same old, same old, but it also holds the possibility of some uncertainty

There are things that could transpire on any given day, at any given time, that are out of our control, like you discover you have no hot water when you go to take a shower or get caught up in traffic backup en route to work which makes you late or a co-worker calls in sick which throws your work day out of whack.

Of course, all of these can be a nuisance and very frustrating, but some how we adjust and move forward. Trying not to let it cause a major hiccup in our day, week or even month for that matter. Every day uncertainties are just part of life. We learn to accept such events, and move forward.

And we most certainly shouldn’t spend time contemplating “what could happen” because that would just drain our energy reserves and make us useless.

There are however uncertainties that we do contemplate, and with my Son graduating from college this month, those are the ones circulating through both of our thoughts, which at times can create great anxiety, or at best distract us from the tasks at hand.

First, there are simple things, like where we should go to lunch after graduation, and when are we moving him home. These uncertainties are only uncertain because of indecisiveness, which when pushed, should be resolved. Frustrating yes, but not enough to cause major anxiety, just enough to cause distraction from the day-to-day tasks until resolved.

Then there are the major uncertainties, like what is my Son going to do once he graduates from college?

Some kids have it all figured out and know exactly where they want to head, especially if it’s grad school. While others want to just pause, clear their head and really take the time to plan, research and then hit the pavement for the career of their dreams.

My Son is somewhere in between these two, which is OK too, but I do believe fear of the unknown is what has at times put him into a state of paralysis which obviously gets him nowhere as far as contemplating his future.

Trust me, I get it. I was beyond scared when I graduated from art school. I also found out quickly getting a job as a graphic designer right out of art school was not an easy feat. I’d hear way too often, your portfolio is good, but you have no experience.

Of course I’m thinking how do I get experience if no one will hire me?

I realized quickly that I’d have to find a way in via another avenue, which in my case became that of a mechanical artist, which before computers was the person who did all the pre-press work by hand. I won’t get into details, but it was tedious work, which involved paying attention to a lot of detail because if you didn’t the job wouldn’t print correctly.

Regardless of how I felt about doing this work instead of design didn’t matter. What really mattered was this was the opportunity to get in on the ground floor and hope somewhere along the way someone in a higher ranking position saw my potential and gave me a chance to prove I could actually be creative too.

Fortunately this route did work, eventually working may way up to an associate designer at the largest advertising agency South of New York, at the time, Earle Palmer Brown in Bethesda, MD, which in turned opened the door to full designer opportunities.

I mention this because trying to convince my Son that he may have to take a similar route in order to reach his dream job of a world builder with a conceptual team for a game design company is hitting some roadblocks.

My Son has the perfect way to possibly get in with a game design company via that of sound and music editing because he took the specific classes necessary to be certified in a program that is used in the industry. When we’ve talked about this prospect, he seemed to agree that this was a very viable route.

When we last spoke about this in March though, he had started to change his tune. He stated he was actually considering just applying for the position he wants, despite not having a portfolio of valid writing work even with me reinforcing what I went through right out of college. I don’t know if it’s because he can’t see the parallels or if it’s a bit of self-sabotage because his fear of the unknown has him back peddling in pursuit of his dream job.

OR, none of the above.

He may just be so overwhelmed at the prospect of what comes next that he’s just not thinking straight. 

Based on the fact that I know he is afraid of what comes after college, I’m leaning towards the concept that he’s just overwhelmed and not thinking straight. Which is actually good, because that means once he’s home and has time to decompress, I’ll have an opportunity to talk some sense into him and hopefully prevent him from becoming frustrated and giving up, which is the most common form of fatigue in any ones job search.

Hearing no too many times is enough to kill your mojo and question whether going to college was even worth it. I most certainly don’t want to see this happen with my Son, because I know he’s very capable of being a great creative force in the world of gaming.

From a very young age I thought he’d end up in film or theater because of his amazing storytelling skills. But as he grew, his interests meandered to the world of gaming, and despite my fears of how consumed he became, with time I realized that this too is a very valid form of entertainment.

AND, indeed takes someone just like him to create the worlds these games are played in. In actuality, creating and producing a game is very much like the process involved in the film industry, and takes just as many people to make it come to fruition.

So, when it came to selecting his course of study for college, game development became number one. This enabled him to marry his love of gaming with computer science, and learn the skills that would actually make him marketable in the gaming world.

Now, here we are, at the point where this concept will be truly tested, graduation and the pursuit of his dream job.

Graduation is 14 days away, and in speaking with my Son yesterday, I can say I was extremely happy to hear that despite the crunch with final projects and final exams, he has been giving his future a lot of serious insightful thought.

He has already started to investigate entry-level positions in the gaming world, and is even thinking out of the box in regards to possibilities. Like working with a company that works with collegiate E-Sports teams, which he was part of all through college. Collegiate E-Sports is still in its infancy, and although this isn’t where he’d want to stay, he would be connected to the industry in a lateral way and use it as a means to make contacts.

Heck, he’s even considered looking into what’s available in the world of board games. Especially games like Dungeons and Dragons, which just like video games, need a world to be created to play within.

I can honestly say I stood in awe of my Son as he spoke yesterday. And although there is still a ton of uncertainty regarding his future, I know he’s got it under control, to a point, and is keeping his options wide open, and very willing to consider any opportunity that could eventually get him into his dream job, no matter how long that might take.

Now though, the focus is on wrapping up his Senior year, getting his diploma, and then taking a little time to decompress and recharge so he’s fully fueled up, ready to face his unknown future with certainty that he’s got what it takes to make his dreams come true.

Stay tuned for updates in future posts regarding not only my Son’s pursuit of his dream job, but my adjustments to having a college graduate back home.

© Mariann E. Danko and Waking the Woman, 2022. All rights reserved.

Goddess Masthead © Pamela Danko-Stout and Waking the Woman, 2022. All rights reserved.

All images courtesy of 123rf

College Grad and Mom – 123rf  – kozyrevaelena

#wakingthewoman
#mommemoir
#classof2022
#collegegrad
#uncertainty
#fearoftheunknown
#dreamjob
#gamedevelopment
#thinkingoutofthebox

EMPTY NEST BLACK HOLE

The reality of the possibility of a very empty nest is quickly sinking in since my Son went back to school for the Spring Semester of his Senior year.

Granted, my Son doesn’t have a job lined up post graduation, or any prospects that I know of, just yet, but considering his major is video game design, I’m well aware that jobs in that field don’t exist in the area we live. So sticking around home post graduation for an extended period of time doesn’t seem like a possibility.

In addition, his girlfriend and he are getting pretty serious and she may be going to law school post graduation, which means he may very well consider employment near wherever she lands.

I’ve been working on adjusting to my Son getting serious about a girl after not really dating through high school and the first three years of college. As a single mom with only one child, to say this takes some getting use to is an understatement. Don’t get me wrong, I’m thrilled for my Son. It’s wonderful to see how happy he is with her. Plus, she’s not only a sweetheart of a girl, she’s also very ambitious and driven, which has been a positive influence on my Son.

BUT, having both the prospect of my Son really moving away from home, and a serious relationship running parallel is a lot for me digest at once, especially because the relationship itself is still very much new, having just gotten serious in August. The two have been friends since Freshman year, never revealing feelings for each other until the start of this school year, so to say it came out of nowhere is an understatement.

I knew the day would come, but I figured I would have a bit more warning. 

With that said, we are here now, and with each passing day, I find myself bouncing between I’m good, to I’m feeling lonely and maybe I should get a dog. I honestly never thought I’d feel lonely, especially because between working full time, working on establishing my chalk art business, creating new chalk art, writing this blog, and all that goes into owning a home and daily chores, I have plenty to keep me busy and take my mind off the empty house.

BUT, some days it just feels extremely empty.

The irony is I’m actually quite content being by myself, and am basically more of an introvert than extrovert, and although the first semester of my Son’s Freshman year challenged me, as I expected, I actually began to get comfortable with everything. So why I’m going in and out of a funk now is a bit confusing for me.

I’m sure a lot of this ties to the fact that it’s Winter so I’m not out socializing with neighbors like I do during warmer weather. PLUS, because of the pandemic, my Son was home with me taking classes remotely from March of 2020 to August of 2021 when he started his Senior year. AND, during the Fall semester he and his girlfriend visited at least 3 times, and then he was home on Winter break from Thanksgiving till January 23rd, and during that time his girlfriend spent 3 weeks with us, so I had more company than I’m use to and loved it.

Needless to say I got very comfortable with having my Son home and really enjoyed when his girlfriend was there too. It was nice to have company for dinner every night and even hangout and watch TV with them sometimes.

The bottom line, it gave me purpose, I felt needed. The older my Son gets the less he needs me, and with a girlfriend to discuss problems with, I’m certainly not the first one he contacts any more. Which once again is a good thing, but to have it happen sort of all of a sudden, out of nowhere, is harder to adjust to than anticipated. 

Now of course, having a child need you less as they get older is a natural progression, but because of how things have been since COVID my presence in my Son’s life was a bit more prominent for a bit longer, which is most certainly why I’m feeling this transition even more. Had my Son’s college years been “normal” I may not be feeling the emptiness as much. The transition would have been more gradual and I could have worked through these emotions each year leading up to graduation.

BUT, that’s not the case at all. The growth that started was stalled, and put on hold, sort off. Now however, I’m being thrown in the deep end so to speak, and trying keep my head above water.

With Spring and warmer weather not far off, I’m hopeful this will help shake that funky lonely feeling looming in my soul sometimes. Most of the time I’m pretty good, but every once in awhile, the emptiness of the house just really hits me regardless of how busy I keep myself. I know I’ll get past this, but until then I need to honor my emotions for what they are, growing pains.  

Just as my Son is spreading his wings and learning to fly solo, I too need to learn to be more than my Son’s Mom. I need to rediscover me. Rediscover the woman I was before becoming a Mom. Which ironically is why I started to write this blog when he went off to college. And although I have had some growth, I’m now realizing I still have a way to go yet.

Discovering the chalk art has been wonderful for my creative growth, which in turn helps my soul growth, but that’s only part of  “growth beyond parenting.” There’s certainly more growing than I ever considered when I stepped into this adventure I endearingly called “Waking the Woman”

Change is never an easy thing, but it is necessary for any real growth, and I’m guessing based on the loneliness I’m feeling at times I’ve been avoiding some aspects of me that need to change in order to get over this hurdle. What, I’m not sure of though.

As I have noted in past posts, I’m very good at filling my days with tasks. Some fun, some just every day stuff. Basing my personal fulfillment on how much I’ve accomplished. While this certainly helps me cover a lot of ground in a day, which was critical during my heavy-duty single parenting days, I’m now realizing, this behavior is enabling me, allowing me to avoid dealing with what’s going on inside or even keeping me from allowing myself time to “play.”

Not any more though, although the busyness does help most of the time, it doesn’t seem to be working that well any more, if it did I wouldn’t be writing this post. 

SO, is the universe trying to tell me it’s not just about the very empty nest?

Could it also be about getting older and all that goes with aging, especially after the health issues I faced in 2021?

OR, could it be about learning how to lighten my to do list so I have more time to “play?”

OR, could it be I may not want to head into my Senior years alone?

OR, is it all of the above backing me into a corner now that I don’t have the serious distraction of parenting dominating my time?

I’m guessing it’s most definitely all of the above, which makes my journey of rediscovery even more interesting. Not sure I’m ready for that much discovery just yet, but I don’t think I have any say in this journey any more – the universe is in control.

© Mariann E. Danko and Waking the Woman, 2022. All rights reserved.

Goddess Masthead © Pamela Danko-Stout and Waking the Woman, 2022. All rights reserved.

Empty Nest artwork courtesy of the CHALK Charmer ©2021

https://www.facebook.com/TheCHALKCharmer/

Moving Out – ©123rf studioworkstock

Busyness – ©123rf prettyvectors

Clip Art Courtesy of 123rf

#wakingthewoman

#mommemoir

#emptynest

#emptynestblackhole

#singleparenting

#singlemom

#selfdiscovery

#selfhelp

Hippie State of Mind

Trying to stay positive can be quite the challenge with the pandemic still looming and the media trying to poison our thoughts every day with constant negativity. Yes, you can try to block it all out, but it’s not that simple. With technology what it is, we’re bombarded from all sides with news feed. 

AND, that news feed is generally far from inspiring and uplifting.

Hippie State of Mind ” – original chalk art by the CHALK Charmer
AKA Mariann E. Danko © 2022

BUT, by chance one day while scrolling through Facebook I came across the “Imagine Peace” page, which as a John Lennon fan instantly intrigued me, so I checked it out. It’s a simple site with retro images and artwork all promoting peace and harmony. I thought how wonderfully inspiring and uplifting, and decided to follow the page.

Not soon after that, the “Hippie State of Mind” page popped into my Facebook feed and upon checking that page out discovered a site similar to “Imagine Peace” with retro images and artwork, but their messages extend even further than peace and harmony. They touch on your overall mental state and well being from a “Hippie State of Mind.”

After discovering these two sites, I knew I was onto something that could truly help me attempt to attain a positive state of mind in a world full of turmoil and stress

“Good Vibrations” – original chalk art by the CHALK Charmer
AKA Mariann E. Danko © 2022

Since starting to follow these 2 pages, as is normal with the “Big Brother Watching You” Practices of Facebook, I continue to get more and more pages of similar content popping up. Although I’m not thrilled with Facebook tracking me, I do rather enjoy all the upbeat, positive and inspirational quotes with beautiful and retro images surfacing in my feed.

AND, it is because of this; I am working on retaining a “Hippie State of Mind” in 2022 and beyond. Maybe it’s because I turned 60 last year, and am a child of the 60’s and 70’s, or maybe it’s just because like most everyone else, I’m exhausted by how draining the world around me can be. The idea of living in a shack in the middle of nowhere with no TV, phone or Internet sounds extremely appealing some days.

In reality, I know physically running away is not an option, but that doesn’t mean I can’t mentally and emotionally, which in turn will most certainly help my physical health too.

“Flower Power” – original chalk art by the CHALK Charmer
AKA Mariann E. Danko © 2022

Peace, Love, Harmony, Hope and Kindness are the traits that are fluid with the “Hippie State of Mind.”

All of which help to keep a happy, upbeat and positive state of mind, so, I’m working on keeping this upbeat and positive energy in the flow of my every day, regardless of what I’m confronted with. Granted, prior to this, in general I feel I’ve always tried to live by this type of mentality, but when confronted with situations that test this energy, I haven’t always stayed true to it and let the negativity rule and bring me down.

BUT now, I’m trying to pause when I feel my energy shifting, and remind myself of the importance on hanging onto my “Hippie State of Mind.”

Does this sound like I’m attempting to look at life through rose-colored glasses? Maybe, but with the state of the world right now I think those rose-colored glasses could be very helpful on those challenging days.

“Spread Kindness” – original chalk art by the CHALK Charmer
AKA Mariann E. Danko © 2022

PLUS, if you look back at the state of the world that gave birth to the “Hippie State of Mind” to a point we’re not that far off, and if more people tried to adapt this mentality, we might just lay the ground work for a complete energy shift around the world.

Wouldn’t that be nice?

SO, with that said, if you’re up to it, why don’t you join me on this new adventure for 2022 and beyond, and see if we can shift the negative energy surrounding us to uplifting and positive.

I know it won’t be easy, especially for those who are facing great challenges. BUT, if you start out small, like seeking only positive sites to follow like I noted above, the info you see swirling around you will slowly shift to positive, and hopefully override the massive amounts of negativity trying to take hold.

In the immortal words of John Lennon
“Imagine all the people livin’ life in peace. You may say I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one. I hope someday you’ll join us, and the world will be as one”

“Hearts United” – original chalk art by the CHALK Charmer
AKA Mariann E. Danko © 2020

© Mariann E. Danko and Waking the Woman, 2022. All rights reserved.

Goddess Masthead © Pamela Danko-Stout and Waking the Woman, 2022. All rights reserved.

All artwork courtesy of the CHALK Charmer © 2020 -2022

https://www.facebook.com/TheCHALKCharmer/

#wakingthewoman

#hippiestateofmind

#comeongethappy

#positivity

#peaceloveharmonyhope&happiness

#positivemindset

#mommemoir

#thechalkcharmer

The Toll of Quarantine on My College Student Son

March 13, 2021 marked one year since I brought my Son home from college for what was only suppose to be two weeks. 

A year later he is still home, taking all his classes virtually.

AND, my how things have changed.

When the COVID pandemic was not yet classified a pandemic, but things were escalating daily, my anxiety levels were also escalating, especially because my Son was away at school. I feared the US would go into lockdown and he would be stuck there. 

As a fan of “The Walking Dead” every end of world scenario was playing out in my mind.

How would I get my Son home if we were in lockdown? What covert operation would I have to pull off? Would I have to dodge law enforcement or the military? Would I be fined if I was caught?

The Walking Dead Characters locked, loaded and ready for action – courtesy of AMC

Granted, some of this is extreme, but a year ago so much was up in the air that anything imaginable crossed my mind.

SO, when the school sent out the plans to send students home for an extended Spring Break I was beyond relieved. No covert operation would be needed. I could pick my Son up in a somewhat normal fashion.

Once he was home I didn’t care what happened, as long as he was home with me. If the world fell apart we’d face it together, just like Rick and Carl.

Rick and Carl facing the end of the world together – courtesy of AMC

And face it we did.

When my Son first got home, I was still working full-time in the office, coming home strung out because I had no clue if I was exposed to the virus. Within a week though the Stay-At-Home Orders were put in place in our state and the official lockdown began. 

Being told I had to stay home and not venture out into the virus-infested world was a huge relief, and an order I was grateful to abide by. We’d make due with what we had and when we ran out of something figure it out then. 

The true test would be how my Son and I handled being home all day, every day with just each other. 

I had finally adjusted to being by myself after a rough Freshman year, and my Son had gotten comfortable with his on-campus college student lifestyle.

He was becoming more independent and he liked it. His visits home up to this time were always relaxed and playful because that’s just what they were meant to be. Breaks from the college workload to refresh and recharge for the next semester.

AND, of course Mom would dote on him because that’s what Mom’s do when their kids come home from college.

Now however, he would be taking classes from home and I would be working from home. Nothing at all like a normal home visit for a college break. 

Add to it, we both had to share the loft where our computers were.

Needless to say it was a bit of an adjustment, but some how we made it work. His irregular class schedule and my flexibility with work hours certainly helped.

Plus I was only home full time for about a month before I was going back into the office a couple times a week which eventually led to full time again by May.

One of my biggest challenges came when I was trying to focus and my Son would decide that’s when he wanted to give me an update on something related to a class, or even just something silly he read and thought I’d enjoy.

Prior to this it was a none-issue because I wasn’t doing work related things at home. BUT, now it mattered, so I had to find a delicate way to let him know it was not a good time and not offend him because I certainly wanted to know about school.

Note, my Son is very random when it comes to informing me about personal things or school, so I have learned over the years to pause when he gets in the mood to talk. No matter when that may be.

The last thing I wanted was to have him think I didn’t care and stop randomly spilling what’s on his mind.

Considering the fact that he still does this, I can say I did not offend him, and we’re all good it that department.

The other key thing at play with my Son home full-time again was and still is the general dynamics between the two of us.

Our relationship as parent and child has been evolving since my Son was a teen, and took on a whole new level when he went away to college. At college, he was maturing and learning to be more independent, and I was concerned being forced to move back home full-time could do some damage in that area.

Something I most certainly didn’t want to see happen.

So I have tried hard to give him space, within limits though, because after all he is still at home under my roof.

There had to be some rules. Like helping Mom with kitchen duties. Something he got out of while in high school, but not now. It was only fair considering I was back to doing more cooking on a regular basis.

When I contracted COVID in late January, my Son had no choice but to step up his game in this area, and I can say he has done it without complaining which is major sign of maturity. 

In the beginning of the stay-at-home orders, because we were both so consumed by what was going on with the pandemic, and my work ours were not consistent, there was a lot of fluidity with household dynamics.

BUT, once my hours went back to full-time and my Son was back working part-time at a local grocery store, I quickly realized our relationship was evolving into a whole new phase

The dynamics between the two of us was becoming one of true camaraderie, with a buddy-like quality, and a real sense of respect for each other. Something I happily welcomed and was excited to experience. Were there hiccups, of course, but overall things were changing for the good.

Summer hike in the Poconos

Because of this new-found camaraderie I noticed my Son more willing to open up about his emotions when dealing with being home. Which I was beyond grateful for because otherwise I would not have realized the toll quarantine was actually taking on him.

One of the biggest issues he addresses was a feeling of apathy, and lack of motivation. He noted that at least he was getting his class work done.

Apparently a lot of friends have not been.

As my Son told me the extended virtual learning was taking a toll on everyone he spoke with.

The lack of in-person classes and “real” on-campus life was hindering their desire to perform to the best of their ability. AND this was coming from friends who were actually on campus, but had at least half of their classes still virtual.

Once he told me all of this, I started to better understand some of his not so normal behavior.

My Son has always been a bit of a night owl, and would sleep in as often as he could, which is pretty normal for teens and college students. BUT, things were escalating to the point where he’d be up all night and sleep all day whenever he didn’t need to be up for classes. AND sometimes even when he did have classes. 

This concerned me because how could he be prepared for class if he crawled out of bed 5 minutes before class. Plus be alert enough to actually participate.

And to add to all of this, my Son had finally gotten his computer moved to the basement over Winter Break so he had more seclusion and privacy, which only amplified the night owl problem.

Prior to the move, he was right outside my bedroom in the loft so I could hear him, which meant I could keep tabs on him and make him accountable for his time. Something he didn’t really like.

Although he’s holding his own with classes, despite an issue with one class that’s tied to the instructors, he’s spending the bare minimal of time on his classwork, but certainly spending plenty of time gaming, and watching Anime or stupid videos on YouTube. If he’s not in front of his computer, he’s got his phone and is watching stupid videos there.

Again, I know this is pretty standard for a college kid, but for my Son it’s excessive. It’s most certainly a means of escape.

He’s always spent a lot of time online with friends, either gaming or just BS’ing, but he’d also spend just as much time socializing with his friends in-person, especially on campus.

SO, taking the personal one-on-one side out of the equation was rearing it’s ugly head.

At least when he’s working he gets some one-on-one time with co-workers and customers, but because of the amount of writing one of his classes required he decided to not work during this semester, which just added to the seclusion problem.

I’ve told him his behavior is a sign of depression, and he’s aware of it. YET, he’s making limited effort to break free of the hold the quarantine has on him, which is what concerns me.

In general he seems fine, but because he has no reason to leave the house, and has limited commitments, he’s left to just flounder. 

He is not very self-motivated, which is another issue for another post, so although there are many things he could be doing with his time, he chooses to do nothing

I toss out ideas, and make suggestion to help lift him out of his funk, but he dismisses the ideas, even when he knows it’s on him to make the change.

When he was away at college, living on campus, he was starting to get more organized with his time, plotting his days out, prioritizing tasks, etc… He was learning to create structure and order to his days. Even motivated to venture forth beyond his comfort zone.

Last performance with jazz band a week prior to coming home

NOW, all bets are off 

At least he’s getting his schoolwork done, which I have to be grateful for. And, the classes the back half of this semester seem to be more engaging, which seem to be helping his overall mood a little.

BUT, next semester is his senior year and I fear what this extended time at home has done to his overall growth. I’m hoping once he’s vaccinated and can be back on campus, he will be able to pick up where he left off, but until then, I will do my best to help him break free from his quarantine funk.

I will need to find ways to make him more accountable for his time every day. What that is I don’t know yet, BUT if he has to answer to someone other than himself about how he spends his days, maybe that will help.

This is all very new for me.

Usually my Son has had so much schoolwork, and extracurricular activities that I was not concerned about his “veg out time.” I knew he needed it as a means to recharge so I didn’t worry.

Now however all this “veg out time” is doing the opposite.

It’s slowly burning out all the stored charge that motivated my Son to succeed. Apathy is winning and despite still being in a pandemic I have to find a way to reverse this course and get my Son back on track for I hope and pray will be his best year of college, his Senior year! 

© Mariann E. Danko and Waking the Woman, 2021. All rights reserved.

Goddess Masthead © Pamela Danko-Stout and Waking the Woman, 2021. All rights reserved.

#WakingtheWoman

#MomMemoir

#QuarantineTollOnCollegeStudents

#QuarantineApathy

MONTHLY MEDITATION – SOOTHING MY PANDEMIC ANXIETY

“Music produces a kind of pleasure which human nature cannot do without.”  –  Confucius

Music is an essential part of my day. I can’t imagine an entire day in complete silence. Even when I write I have music playing.

Every day has a rhythm of it’s own, and the music playing can impact the course that day travels.

Being home more now, I’ve found music to be the comfort I need on days that can be emotionally more challenging. Especially when the pandemic was just unfolding and my anxiety levels were off the richter scale.

Putting Pandora on shuffle was and is the magic I need to traverse my day. I never know what genre will pop up, and what song within that genre. I have a very eclectic taste in music and can go from classic rock to jazz to blues to contemporary country in a matter of minutes.

“Music and rhythm find their way into the secret places of the soul.” – Plato

There are some songs that can take me on a journey to another time and place in my life. Sometimes it’s like ripping the bandaid off a wound, which can be difficult, but necessary to healing.

BUT, most of the time, hearing those songs releases an endorphin that makes everything around me melt away.

AND, often the music will spur spontaneous dancing.

“And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music.” – Friedrich Nietzche

Dancing around my kitchen while cooking is pretty commonplace for me, but to randomly start dancing at any given time of the day can be truly liberating.

You might even find me dancing to theme songs to TV shows sometimes. Don’t get my Son started on my whacky dance to “The Walking Dead” theme. It started as a joke, but now I do it just to spite my Son when he’s home from college.

My whole family loves to dance, but I never thought of my spontaneous dancing at home as something more than just that. Now however I’ve realized it’s a means to release anxiety and let the outside world disappear, even if just for those few minutes.

“Everything in the universe has a rhythm, everything dances.” – Maya Angelou

With a song in my heart and a rhythm in my feet, my spirits are lifted and all is well with the world. Which means a lot right now.

Our lives will be forever changed by this pandemic. Some good, some bad, but it’s what we bring out of it that matters most. How we process what we’re feeling and how we handle the ever-changing rules to survive a trip outside our home are key to surviving without a negative impact on us.

By finding the things that bring us peace and joy, and allowing time to escape the mayhem around us, we will become stronger. And in so doing be able to find ways to adapt to our new circumstances in a healthy and happy way.

NOT letting this situation take us down, or should I say take us to the dark side is important. (Sorry watching way too many Star Wars movies with my Son lately.)

When this all started in March, I can honestly say I felt the pull of the dark side starting to swallow me up. Leaving the house felt like a supply run on “The Walking Dead” and my adrenaline was on overdrive.

Two months later, I’ve found myself in a much better place, and can attribute that to being honest with myself, facing the things that were triggering those emotions and allowing things like music to ease my soul and chase the negativity away.

“When you dance, your purpose is not to get to a certain place on the floor. It’s to enjoy each step along the way.” – Wayne Dyer

SO, find that thing that soothes your soul. If you don’t know what that thing is, experiment. Give dancing with abandon through your house a try. If that doesn’t do it for you, keep searching, and in so doing I’ll bet you’ll find a new part of yourself or maybe one that was lost over the years.

Use this new world we’re all adapting to as a means to grow, not stagnate. Then, we will really come out of this situation stronger, and better than when it all started.

Most of all though, be kind to yourself.

AND REMEMBER –

“Every day brings a chance for you to draw in a breath, kick off your shoes, and dance.” – Oprah Winfrey

© Mariann E. Danko and Waking the Woman, 2020. All rights reserved.

Goddess Masthead © Pamela Danko-Stout and Waking the Woman, 2020. All rights reserved.

#WakingtheWoman

#MomMemoir

#StayAtHome

Clipart – ©123rf

Dancing at Home – ©123rf – Arina Voitenko

MID-WEEK MEANDERING – Finding Purpose When Classified Non-Essential

I don’t know about you, but I’ve had major mixed emotions about falling into the category of “non-essential.”

On one hand I’m grateful I can stay at home, and limit my time out of the house to trips for essentials.

BUT, on the other hand I feel guilty and wish I had more of a purpose other than to be at home.

Continue reading “MID-WEEK MEANDERING – Finding Purpose When Classified Non-Essential”

The Best Laid Plans

As each new month starts, I tend to take the first couple days to ponder the theme for that months post.

Sometimes I know exactly what it will be because of some epiphany I had or something that happened.

This was particularly the case when I was writing “Waking the Walker – a Mother’s quest to survive her Son’s zombie years – aka his teens.” When raising a teen, there is always something happening.

https://wakingthewalker.wordpress.com/twd-apocalyptic-parenting-tactics/

Other times I can spend half the month tossing ideas around, seeing what sticks, even struggling to make something out of nothing.

Which is kind of odd when this blog is about self-rediscovery. 

Am I so lost I don’t even have a clue which way to turn?

Continue reading “The Best Laid Plans”

Signs of Growth

Last month I met an old friend for dinner. This is something we had tried to do for years, but between raising kids, and caring for our aging Mom’s, time just got away from us. BUT, with both of us now having our children back at college for their sophomore year we knew we had to make it happen

OR, it may never happen.

Once seated at our table, my first words to her were “How are you doing since the girls went back to school?”

Without any hesitation she stated sophomore year has been tougher than freshman year. I agreed, confessing I was downright depressed the first week or two.

I hate to say it, but it was refreshing to find out it wasn’t just me feeling this way. 

Freshman year I had many texts, emails, and even a somewhat regular Sunday afternoon call from my Son. Plus, I had a few runs to the college to aid with roommate issues and moving. And, bring things he discovered he needed for the dorm. 

This year however has been drastically different.

Which is good for my Son. It means he’s becoming more independent, self-confident and self-reliant.

For me however, it has been beyond challenging. The feeling of not being needed was overwhelming at times.

Before I let it get the best of me though, I knew I had to put my energy into something positive. I needed to be proactive and not dwell on the void.

With an endless list of unfinished projects staring me down, I set my sights on those, and created a plan of attack based on the time I had till my Son’s first visit home for Fall Break.

Continue reading “Signs of Growth”

Facing the “IN-BETWEEN” Years

As the month of August unfolded the reality that my Son heads back to college to start his Sophomore year in 25 days hit me hard. I had that same pit in my stomach as I experienced all of last summer as his Freshman year crept closer with each passing day. 

It’s just me and my Son at home, so facing a truly empty nest for the first time in 18 1/2 years was beyond a challenge for me to say the least.

I had my ups and downs over the course of his Freshman year, but by the time he came home for the Summer I felt I had conquered a lot of those feelings.

To feel that sadness in my gut popping up again confirmed that I still have work to do, which I’m quite sure will be the topic of future posts.

Continue reading “Facing the “IN-BETWEEN” Years”