The Best Laid Plans

As each new month starts, I tend to take the first couple days to ponder the theme for that months post.

Sometimes I know exactly what it will be because of some epiphany I had or something that happened.

This was particularly the case when I was writing “Waking the Walker – a Mother’s quest to survive her Son’s zombie years – aka his teens.” When raising a teen, there is always something happening.

https://wakingthewalker.wordpress.com/twd-apocalyptic-parenting-tactics/

Other times I can spend half the month tossing ideas around, seeing what sticks, even struggling to make something out of nothing.

Which is kind of odd when this blog is about self-rediscovery. 

Am I so lost I don’t even have a clue which way to turn?

With this not just a new month, but a New Year and New Decade, I thought for sure I would venture down the road of aspirations, goal setting, intention and purpose.

Especially after I read my favorite astrologer, Melissa Stratton’s https://twitter.com/hevmelissa?lang=en column for January 2020. I felt the energy around this New Year didn’t feel like other years and Melissa’s column confirmed my gut was right.

After reading this I was pumped to shake off the overbooked, too much to do holidays and get back to some sense of normalcy

I was beyond ready to hit the ground running and get back to focusing on all I had already set in motion in 2019.  My long-term goals and aspirations for my future could once again become a priority. 

Not that I don’t love the holidays, but between work, home and the holidays, something had to give, and outside of getting my December post written, anything else related to writing as a business got put on hold

I had to set boundaries for my own sanity and health. Especially with my Son home for a 5 week Winter Break.

So, as 2020 dawned, I busted out the blog business plan, and started to update it for 2020. With full-hearted enthusiasm I stepped backed into allowing my mind to focus on my personal journey, and on pinning down a clear intent for my future.

Yes, writing full-time is the central point, but having a clear purpose for this writing has still not been completely solidified. Without that, the vision for my future is still fairly hazy

I told myself 2020 would be the year I pinned that down, and formulated a clear and precise plan to make it happen.

That was until my focus was blindsided by a massive headache that sidelined me for a day, and left me dragging for days dealing with what I was told was a sinus infection. Not strep, the flu or a cold, but a simple sinus infection. 

In all my years I have never gotten a debilitating headache from anything. Headaches that made me sick and knocked me down for a few hours, yes, but nothing that warranted an injection that knocked me out for over 12 hours.

That Saturday every time I made an effort to move, I had to lie back down. Nothing worked. Not ice, not Tylenol, not rest. The pressure in my sinuses was so severe I thought I was going to vomit. I could barely hold my head up. It took me till 3:30 in the afternoon to get myself together just to go to Patient First.

The doctor didn’t even need to ask what was ailing me; she could see it in my face. When she said they could give me an injection to ease the pain and help me sleep I was all for it.

Needless to say I had no idea it would knock me into the next day and leave me feeling a little woozy.

I was able to make up for some lost time that Sunday, but I was still dealing with the post-nasal drip and congestion from the sinus infection, so I was far from moving at break neck speed.

As was the case the following week. 

I had major brain fog from the congestion, which left my head in the clouds. Making it through work every day was a major feat.

So much for all my full-heartened enthusiasm to step back into focusing on my personal journey and future plans. My only focus was making it through the day so I could go back to bed.

All I wanted to do was sleep.

At first I was pretty upset about this set back, but then I remembered what the nutritionist said at my visit the week before I got sick. She told me I need to allow time for relaxing/restful activities.

The reason why – her tests showed high levels of stress, yet I didn’t feel stressed.

How could I be stressed, and not feel it? 

I was betwixt and befuddled, but when I got sick it entered my mind that I must have been running on adrenaline from the holidays and completely oblivious.

With my ass kicked, I realized maybe the nutritionist was on to something and what my focus needed to be on was how to allow more time for relaxing/restful activities, not just on doing.

This made me wonder if being a single Mom for so long made me become so accustomed to always being on “GO” that “STOPPING” to truly recharge my batteries may have gone by the wayside

Daily I do stretching/yoga and a short meditation period, take time to veg a little at night before bed, and of course get at least one vacation in during the year, but could it be after all these years I’ve forgotten how to really relax?

AND, it is finally catching up to me

I’ve always been a list person, even before becoming a Mom. My lists are my saving grace. I may not get everything done, but it helps to keep track of what needs doing and to prioritize

Crossing things off my list has always been very rewarding, although not necessarily refreshing.  

Some things on my list however, like personal projects, are a form of relaxing. Doing creative projects can be very invigorating. Unfortunately, these are the things that get bumped for other more pressing deeds

The more I thought about all of this the more I thought about how I used to be an avid reader, but now I’m lucky if I get the paper read. I used to curl up with a book, especially before bed and just get lost in the story. I have plenty of books to read, but I honestly don’t think I’ve finished one since I was in my twenties.

I do take bike rides and walks when the weather permits, but I actually have to schedule it into my day, just as I do my weekend workouts.

SO, although I may be driven to achieve making writing my retirement goal, I realized I need to find real balance between doing and not doing

In my mind I keep telling myself when I retire I will have more time to just relax and do the things that bring me great joy. 

BUT, the bottom line is I shouldn’t have to wait, especially if I want to stay healthy.

I want to retire on my terms, not my body’s terms.

I need to start working on doing those things now, and in turn lighten my load, allowing room for more growth. Growth that can only benefit my writing, and possibly help me solidify my purpose.

The issue at hand though is relearning how to simply relax may be the hardest thing I’ve ever tried to do. I’ve become hardwired to do, and when I stop I think about what needs to be done.

Overriding that circuit board will take some time.

So, although my month may not have transpired quite the way I wanted it to, I believe I did have an “epiphany” which will make a major impact on my journey to rediscover myself.

AND, force me to be realistic about my plan for the future, namely my timeline for the business side of this blog and my retirement.

I can push and push and still not achieve if health challenges knock me down.

What better way to plan than to slow down, relax and take it easy?

OR, should I say, be easy on myself. Something I’m not always very good at.

Sometimes the universe nudges you, and other times it kicks you in the butt. This was one of those butt-kicking times and I have to make sure I remember that.

SO, my New Year, New Decade Resolution is to create balance in all that is on my plate. AND, to allow myself time to just be, because then and only then can I truly rediscover myself.

© Mariann E. Danko and Waking the Woman, 2020. All rights reserved.

Goddess Masthead © Pamela Danko-Stout and Waking the Woman, 2020. All rights reserved.

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Signs of Growth

Last month I met an old friend for dinner. This is something we had tried to do for years, but between raising kids, and caring for our aging Mom’s, time just got away from us. BUT, with both of us now having our children back at college for their sophomore year we knew we had to make it happen

OR, it may never happen.

Once seated at our table, my first words to her were “How are you doing since the girls went back to school?”

Without any hesitation she stated sophomore year has been tougher than freshman year. I agreed, confessing I was downright depressed the first week or two.

I hate to say it, but it was refreshing to find out it wasn’t just me feeling this way. 

Freshman year I had many texts, emails, and even a somewhat regular Sunday afternoon call from my Son. Plus, I had a few runs to the college to aid with roommate issues and moving. And, bring things he discovered he needed for the dorm. 

This year however has been drastically different.

Which is good for my Son. It means he’s becoming more independent, self-confident and self-reliant.

For me however, it has been beyond challenging. The feeling of not being needed was overwhelming at times.

Before I let it get the best of me though, I knew I had to put my energy into something positive. I needed to be proactive and not dwell on the void.

With an endless list of unfinished projects staring me down, I set my sights on those, and created a plan of attack based on the time I had till my Son’s first visit home for Fall Break.

Continue reading “Signs of Growth”

Facing the “IN-BETWEEN” Years

As the month of August unfolded the reality that my Son heads back to college to start his Sophomore year in 25 days hit me hard. I had that same pit in my stomach as I experienced all of last summer as his Freshman year crept closer with each passing day. 

It’s just me and my Son at home, so facing a truly empty nest for the first time in 18 1/2 years was beyond a challenge for me to say the least.

I had my ups and downs over the course of his Freshman year, but by the time he came home for the Summer I felt I had conquered a lot of those feelings.

To feel that sadness in my gut popping up again confirmed that I still have work to do, which I’m quite sure will be the topic of future posts.

My struggles leading up to my Son’s departure for college and during his Freshman year were well documented in multiple posts in “Waking the Walker – a Mother’s quest to survive her Son’s zombie years, aka his teens” and even on this site, so I won’t rehash them here.

If you haven’t already read them, I’ve included links below.

https://wakingthewalker.wordpress.com/2018/05/28/loosening-the-tether/

https://wakingthewalker.wordpress.com/2018/07/08/season-of-transition/

https://wakingthewalker.wordpress.com/2018/07/31/home-for-dinner/

https://wakingthewalker.wordpress.com/2018/08/31/but-really-what-are-you-feeling/

https://wakingthewalker.wordpress.com/2018/09/30/adjusting-to-my-new-norm/

https://wakingthewalker.wordpress.com/2018/12/30/every-new-beginning-comes-from-some-other-beginnings-end-seneca/

https://wakingthewoman.com/2019/04/28/confused-self-image/

I mention these struggles because it sets up my state of mind this month.

AND

How my thoughts meandered from facing my empty nest again, to where I am in my life, to what comes next, to my age, and the thought that my age, late fifties, has got to be some of the weirdest and toughest times to navigate, next to adolescence and teens of course.

I’m no longer middle-aged, but not quite yet considered a senior citizen, even if AARP is available at 55. Although, some days I do feel like I’m prehistoric, especially at the end of a long workday or week.

With my Son in college, my parenting demands are extremely diminished. As a matter of fact, while my Son is away at college they’re practically non-existent. Which is quite an adjustment after single parenting from day one.

AND

I’m not old enough to retire, but most certainly wish I could. 

BASICALLY

I’m somewhere “IN-BETWEEN” raising kids and retiring, and not quite sure where I fit in. It’s kind of a time of limbo.

A limbo that will take some adjusting too.

WHY?

My Son does still need me, at times, so my parenting duties are on again off again. This creates a push and pull scenario with me.

Just when I get in the rhythm of flying solo, my Son is home on break and it’s back to full-time Mom duty.

Particularly in the kitchen. Having to seriously plan dinners for a week after a long break takes some adjusting to.

Then there are the fantasies about retirement that sometimes make the workday seem longer.

Knowing I have a little over 8 years till I can officially retire and get full Social Security can challenge my psyche. It’s like the notion of retirement is taunting me. Closer than it was five years ago, but longer than I wish it was.

The thing with retirement though, it may be too early to start a countdown, but it’s never too early to start planning. This certainly helps push me through every workweek. Realizing there is light at the end of tunnel, even though faint, lightens the load.

I have friends who have retired, as have the majority of my siblings, yet the bulk of my co-workers are just starting families, raising young children or just starting the high school journey. To them the thought of college, empty nesting and retirement hasn’t even crossed their minds.

Not that I don’t have co-workers in a similar place as me. It’s just that we’re out-numbered by the young-ins.

Being somewhere between these worlds is kind of strange at times, and really does make me think about my age.

Something I never really did before. I guess because I was too busy raising my Son and helping with my Mom in her later life to even consider it.

BUT, with my Son turning twenty in December, it finally hit me.

I’m knocking at the door of 60. 

Not that 60 is old, my Mom was 94 when she passed, and up until 90 she was doing pretty good. She was very youthful in her thought process, and I feel all her children inherited that.

Age is just a number; it’s your state of mind that impacts how old you actually feel. 

That’s probably why I never gave my age a second thought, until now.

Facing the “IN-BETWEEN” years makes my mind wander to the past, thinking about all the life I’ve already lived.

AND

Wonder about the future and the prospect of retirement and how to make it a reality.

I certainly have a real desire to slow down and take a little more time for me, but because I still have the sometime demands of parenting and the full-time demands of work, it’s hard

Then I look around my house at all the unfinished projects (that accumulated during my Son’s high school marching band days) that I thought I would tackle once my Son was away at school and get mad at myself because I barely tackled anything during his Freshman.

Not because I’m lazy, but because I’m tired during the week, having a thyroid disorder and doing overtime certainly doesn’t help.

Weekends then turn into to playing catch-up

BUT

As I discovered during my Son’s Freshman year, sometimes weekends turn into driving an hour one way to the college because of an issue with my Son. Whether it is moving him to a new dorm because of a rude roommate, or his computer is on the fritz, there goes any free time that could have been for projects at home.

Those “IN-BETWEEN” years rearing their ugly head.

I’m beginning to think though that maybe the “IN-BETWEEN” years are really more like a stepping-stone to retirement.

A time to not only plan financially, but mentally and emotional work on the adjustments needed to go from working full-time, to no-time, or should I say My Time.

Oh how glorious the sound of My Time is, but I know some people have a hard time adjusting when the daily routine of marching off to their job ends.

So it’s crucial to prepare for that change, and this “IN-BETWEEN” time is ideal.

And, I also have to start preparing for the day post college graduation when my Son heads off on his new career venture. This could be even harder than him leaving for college.

So, I guess, instead of being challenged by this “IN-BETWEEN” time, I need to embrace it.

© Mariann E. Danko and Waking the Woman, 2019. All rights reserved.

Goddess Masthead © Pamela Danko-Stout and Waking the Woman, 2019. All rights reserved.

Images originally posted in “Waking the Walker” – purchased from 123rf.com

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