As each new month starts, I tend to take the first couple days to ponder the theme for that months post.
Sometimes I know exactly what it will be because of some epiphany I had or something that happened.
This was particularly the case when I was writing “Waking the Walker – a Mother’s quest to survive her Son’s zombie years – aka his teens.” When raising a teen, there is always something happening.
Other times I can spend half the month tossing ideas around, seeing what sticks, even struggling to make something out of nothing.
Which is kind of odd when this blog is about self-rediscovery.
Am I so lost I don’t even have a clue which way to turn?
With this not just a new month, but a New Year and New Decade, I thought for sure I would venture down the road of aspirations, goal setting, intention and purpose.
Especially after I read my favorite astrologer, Melissa Stratton’s https://twitter.com/hevmelissa?lang=en column for January 2020. I felt the energy around this New Year didn’t feel like other years and Melissa’s column confirmed my gut was right.
After reading this I was pumped to shake off the overbooked, too much to do holidays and get back to some sense of normalcy.
I was beyond ready to hit the ground running and get back to focusing on all I had already set in motion in 2019. My long-term goals and aspirations for my future could once again become a priority.
Not that I don’t love the holidays, but between work, home and the holidays, something had to give, and outside of getting my December post written, anything else related to writing as a business got put on hold.
I had to set boundaries for my own sanity and health. Especially with my Son home for a 5 week Winter Break.
So, as 2020 dawned, I busted out the blog business plan, and started to update it for 2020. With full-hearted enthusiasm I stepped backed into allowing my mind to focus on my personal journey, and on pinning down a clear intent for my future.
Yes, writing full-time is the central point, but having a clear purpose for this writing has still not been completely solidified. Without that, the vision for my future is still fairly hazy.
I told myself 2020 would be the year I pinned that down, and formulated a clear and precise plan to make it happen.
That was until my focus was blindsided by a massive headache that sidelined me for a day, and left me dragging for days dealing with what I was told was a sinus infection. Not strep, the flu or a cold, but a simple sinus infection.
In all my years I have never gotten a debilitating headache from anything. Headaches that made me sick and knocked me down for a few hours, yes, but nothing that warranted an injection that knocked me out for over 12 hours.
That Saturday every time I made an effort to move, I had to lie back down. Nothing worked. Not ice, not Tylenol, not rest. The pressure in my sinuses was so severe I thought I was going to vomit. I could barely hold my head up. It took me till 3:30 in the afternoon to get myself together just to go to Patient First.
The doctor didn’t even need to ask what was ailing me; she could see it in my face. When she said they could give me an injection to ease the pain and help me sleep I was all for it.
Needless to say I had no idea it would knock me into the next day and leave me feeling a little woozy.
I was able to make up for some lost time that Sunday, but I was still dealing with the post-nasal drip and congestion from the sinus infection, so I was far from moving at break neck speed.
As was the case the following week.
I had major brain fog from the congestion, which left my head in the clouds. Making it through work every day was a major feat.
So much for all my full-heartened enthusiasm to step back into focusing on my personal journey and future plans. My only focus was making it through the day so I could go back to bed.
All I wanted to do was sleep.
At first I was pretty upset about this set back, but then I remembered what the nutritionist said at my visit the week before I got sick. She told me I need to allow time for relaxing/restful activities.
The reason why – her tests showed high levels of stress, yet I didn’t feel stressed.
How could I be stressed, and not feel it?
I was betwixt and befuddled, but when I got sick it entered my mind that I must have been running on adrenaline from the holidays and completely oblivious.
With my ass kicked, I realized maybe the nutritionist was on to something and what my focus needed to be on was how to allow more time for relaxing/restful activities, not just on doing.
This made me wonder if being a single Mom for so long made me become so accustomed to always being on “GO” that “STOPPING” to truly recharge my batteries may have gone by the wayside.
Daily I do stretching/yoga and a short meditation period, take time to veg a little at night before bed, and of course get at least one vacation in during the year, but could it be after all these years I’ve forgotten how to really relax?
AND, it is finally catching up to me
I’ve always been a list person, even before becoming a Mom. My lists are my saving grace. I may not get everything done, but it helps to keep track of what needs doing and to prioritize.
Crossing things off my list has always been very rewarding, although not necessarily refreshing.
Some things on my list however, like personal projects, are a form of relaxing. Doing creative projects can be very invigorating. Unfortunately, these are the things that get bumped for other more pressing deeds.
The more I thought about all of this the more I thought about how I used to be an avid reader, but now I’m lucky if I get the paper read. I used to curl up with a book, especially before bed and just get lost in the story. I have plenty of books to read, but I honestly don’t think I’ve finished one since I was in my twenties.
I do take bike rides and walks when the weather permits, but I actually have to schedule it into my day, just as I do my weekend workouts.
SO, although I may be driven to achieve making writing my retirement goal, I realized I need to find real balance between doing and not doing.
In my mind I keep telling myself when I retire I will have more time to just relax and do the things that bring me great joy.
BUT, the bottom line is I shouldn’t have to wait, especially if I want to stay healthy.
I want to retire on my terms, not my body’s terms.
I need to start working on doing those things now, and in turn lighten my load, allowing room for more growth. Growth that can only benefit my writing, and possibly help me solidify my purpose.
The issue at hand though is relearning how to simply relax may be the hardest thing I’ve ever tried to do. I’ve become hardwired to do, and when I stop I think about what needs to be done.
Overriding that circuit board will take some time.
So, although my month may not have transpired quite the way I wanted it to, I believe I did have an “epiphany” which will make a major impact on my journey to rediscover myself.
AND, force me to be realistic about my plan for the future, namely my timeline for the business side of this blog and my retirement.
I can push and push and still not achieve if health challenges knock me down.
What better way to plan than to slow down, relax and take it easy?
OR, should I say, be easy on myself. Something I’m not always very good at.
Sometimes the universe nudges you, and other times it kicks you in the butt. This was one of those butt-kicking times and I have to make sure I remember that.
SO, my New Year, New Decade Resolution is to create balance in all that is on my plate. AND, to allow myself time to just be, because then and only then can I truly rediscover myself.
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